| Tonight, I am not happy,
it seems as though this heavy heart which beats in my chest will give me no piece or rest tonight.
I always want and strive for the best, but tonight I am just human. I want to let my guard down, I wanna be real with you lord. I want to know that its ok to feel bad when the occasion is appropriate, I am torn and my face hurts from always smiling when I don't reall feel like I need too. I wanna do great things but at the end of the day it always comes back to the question... what if I mess up like I've always done and disappoint the people that I love and the ones whom I wouldnt ever want to let down. I am for once Internally, at a stand still and it sucks. I am human and you are god, I am weak and you are strong, so how in my all frailties and inadequacy do I stand firm in what I feel called to do. I have so much to lay at your feet lord and so little of your essence left, sometimes I have to admit I am running on empty but you are faithful, even though I hurt myself blindly and ignorantly and suffer the conciquences of spiritual inmaturity, I am still learning and I am, In all that I do, I am still yours lord.
John
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| I am going to be flying home tuesday! I am finally going to be back where I belong. I am so thankful that the lord hears and answers the prayers of his childern who earnestly seek him. I cant tell you how monumental this change is going to be in my life. God is so gracious and kind. I can only say that i am really excited that I am getting another chance to follow my dreams which I know will ultimately bring me closer to him which is the greatest thing ever. anywho I will be home in a few days! cant wait to see everyone. John Henry |
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| So its getting closer. I am hopefully gonna know whenI am coming back to costa mesa tonight. I am really excited and I am finally I think ready to actually be home. its been alot time since I have been back but God is giving me a second chance to chase my dreams because he knows that its only going to bring me closer to him and that makes me so freakin extatic!!! I have to say that I am going to be so happy to be within walking distance of a starbucks lol its been way too long without the mojo lol. there isn't a starbucks in the town that I live in so I dont get to have it but hopefully soon. anywho hope everyone is well and that life is good. ttyl John |
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| I am seriously ashamed at how long it takes me to update this thing lol. some times I feel like I leave it for ever and that its gonna be shut down the next time that I go to log in lol. I am doing well. I find out next week when I am flying back to california to start my new job, so for that I am soooooo stoked! I cannot wait to get back to california and get things rolling again. I cant lie, I am really excited but nervous all at the same time. I think that it will really kick in that I am finally coming home when I step off the plane and start unpacking all my junk  I cant say that its going to be easy to re-adjust to life in the city, I just hope that its not hard! I am really excited that the nearest starbucks isn't gonna me an hour away and that I wont have to work 80hrs a week just to make ends meet. I hope to get some music stuff going when I have some spare time but it looks as thought I am going to be kinda busy but thats all part of the job I guess  well I will write more when I have the chance. God bless, John 
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| Just wanted to tell you that if you haven't noticed... I updated my profile John |
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